Roadmap Part 1: Exit the Big Apple?

Each day I have an increasingly strong desire to leave New York City. I have tried to create a mental list of what it means to be here and what it would mean to leave. Anyone who knows New York City knows that it is a city of wills. Forget the cliches about the lights on Broadway and the city that never sleeps; that doesn't really come into play when you consider day to day life and all that must be endured to survive. One valid cliche is that it is a concrete jungle. It's survival of the fittest here. I don't consider myself a New Yorker by any stretch of the imagination, but I do participate in many of the habits/rituals that define day-to-day living in New York. I ride the subway and walk the city streets everyday. I try to reserve at least one weekend day for myself and to be public transportation-free. It ain't pretty out there...trust me. While I don't have to deal with road rage during my daily commute to work, I do have to deal with my internal subway rage.

During the morning commute, there are no signs of joy. The riders appear somber, dressed in black...all black everything. If someone(s) does express joy, they receive the look of death...which can kill. The subway is an unfortunate necessity. There is no respect or courtesy during the morning rush hour. It's every man/woman for himself. I am often pushed, mushed, and just plain 'ol disregarded. I try to avoid some of the pitfalls of living in New York City, but I put on my best expressionless aka "ice grill" face in the morning. I don't make eye contact and I just count the stops until I get off. There are moments when I catch someones eye while I am staring at their most peculiar behavior. It's gotten to the point where I don't find any redeeming qualities about anyone on the train. I don't want to see the people, hear the people, or be around them at all. I may have similar physical characteristics to these people, but I am definitely not one of "them!"

The awful truth is this is how I start my day and it's not good; it's not me. I feel like I would be better served somewhere more peaceful and somewhere that accepts joy and happiness as the norm. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the one who has it all wrong. Maybe these New Yorkers are just oblivious to the abnormality that they consider life. They may fall under the category "ignorance is bliss." I am someone who is aware of my surroundings and use them to catapult me, not bring me down. New York is definitely a city full of highs and lows and there are success stories, but at what cost. Sometimes you have to know when it's time for a change and I do. I have left and come back again and now it's time to see which direction I head on the start of my 2010 road trip. Is it South? I don't know that exactly, but what I do know is it can't be lateral. There has to be a gain.

Chime in!

Navigating Your 2010 Road Map

So, I left home 8 years ago for New York in pursuit of, well...New York. My plan consisted of leaving and making my way to the Big Apple. I never plotted a real strategy or way of going about things. I just assumed that I would get to New York and everything would work out. While I didn't have a plan, I did have drive, determination, and a dream. Most of all, I had faith. I've been up, down, and all around during this time and I am back to square one. This time I've got more experience under my belt and a stronger sense of self.

It's 2010 and although there is no real significance to this series of numbers, it seems as if there should be. 2010 means that 2009 is over and has rolled forward. I made a bunch of promises to myself last year and I know I didn't fulfill them all, but I have moved forward. Right now I am in a position that is quite uncomfortable, unfulfilled, and it makes me unhappy. This is a direct result of not making a plan and not following my heart. I am determined to regain my youthful enthusiasm and desire to head for uncharted territory. It's obvious that walking blindly will only lead me into walls, so I must open my eyes and create a road map to the life I want.

I want to shake up my life and be that daring, gregarious me that people know. The first step is to acknowledge that I want to go in a different direction and the second is to surround myself with like-minded people. I am good on the first two points. Now, it's time to develop my road map to success while determining what success is.

Questions of the day?

What will your roadmap look like this year?

What do you need to change in your life to get moving in the right direction?

Be Open

Welcome December!

It's the most wonderful time of the year! I know that there is much economic hardship and suffering, but the spirit of the holiday season never fails. I am a little biased because my birthday is in December...actually the 24th. I am in the midst of all that is holiday and festive. This is the time of year when people are more expressive of their feelings of favor and thankfulness. It's sort-of expected right about now. It's also the time when people become reflective as well. We have to look at the past, live in the present, and look toward the future

I am in the process of creating a list of the most important attributes you need in order to attract what you want and live the life you've imagined. I had a conversation with a friend on Sunday. She shared the ups and majority downs of her love life which doesn't exist at present. I listened intently and I could definitely empathize with her. While I was listening, there was one theme running through my head and one question I had to ask, "Are you open?"

When I asked this, she hesitated. I asked her again, "Are you open?" She looked me squarely in the eye and said, "No." We continued to talk and she admitted that she hasn't been open and hasn't tried. We were talking about relationships specifically, but this idea applies to life, in general.

I think that we all have very definite ideas of who we think we are, but we don't often examine those ideas until we are confronted and forced to think about it. This is the time of year when many of those thoughts and ideas come into play. "Being open" can mean different things to different people. In the pursuit of happiness, you must allow yourself to accept and welcome others into your life. You have to be willing to take chances with people. There are bound to be bumps along the way, but you won't know until you have the experience. If it doesn't work the first time, it's ok. You just prepare yourself for the next. The idea of being open also coincides with the season of Advent. I have been taunting another friend with these thoughts of the season as well. It's true that you must expect good things to happen in your life. Why would anyone intentionally expect bad things? That is just a defeatist attitude. You must always expect the best things for your life and look at hiccups and stumbles as opportunities for learning. This is universal. As an Independent City Girl, I am constantly in the midst of an experience and I am both consciously and subconsciously open. I don't think about it. I don't plan it. I just do it. Maybe I was born this way. Who knows? What I do know is that my ability to be open has carried me to and fro and sustained me when I didn't have many tangibles.

There is a whole world waiting for us and so many people in this world that we have yet to know. Being open doesn't mean losing yourself. You are simply allowing yourself to experience life and love more fully!

When Do You Give In?

So, I am going to keep talking about the recession because it is all we are hearing about. vAnd...due to the recession, millions of jobs have been lost. I have heard and read so many stories of former VPs and such losing their jobs and now they are working at Macy's for $10.25/hr or something ridiculous.

When do you give up and give in to this recession? I have been trying to determine this. Being laid off was great for me in many respects. I didn't want to be where I was and I wanted time to do what I wanted to do...whatever that is. Now, I've been looking for work and have applied to hundreds of jobs, but received less than a handful of favorable responses. The news has scared so many of us into thinking that this is a doomsday scenario. After 10 months, I have an opportunity to take an hourly, long-term temp position in an administrative capacity. It is nothing that I want to do and pays less than what I was last making, but it would allow me to pay these bills that keep coming and breathe a little easier, I think. The job would require me to set my alarm clock and work long hours for people that are younger and less experienced.

I haven't had to use my alarm clock during this layoff and it feels great, but I haven't been doing all I can do to live the life that I've imagined. I think that everyone has their breaking point and I don't know if I've reached mine. I would like to think that I would know when I reach it, but I can't be too sure. Taking the job would also mean relinquishing unemployment and a great deal of freedom. Should I be grateful for this "opportunity" or continue on the current path and really enjoy the real "opportunity" to have time the time to do whatever I feel like doing?

Can Your Relationship Survive the Recession

There is no doubt that we are in an economic recession. All of the media outlets, pundits, and the like make sure to remind us of this on a daily basis. They are all discussing saving tips, job-hunting techniques, and what to do with your money. In other words, the media is super focused on the economic aspects of the recession, but they have severely neglected the toll on romantic relationships.

Money can put a real damper on an otherwise happy, healthy relationship or it might bring other unresolved issues to the surface. Either way, the emotional effects can 86 the relationship altogether. What do you do when the money becomes an issue? Even the most independent woman may need to break down and rely on the man. I am one of those women and have had to do that and it's not comfortable.

I think that the relationship status makes a difference. I mean, a married couple may feel differently about this, but when you are dating is it the man's responsibility to support you when and if you need it? Do you have to ask or should he just know? Money is one of those taboo topics that isn't always openly discussed in or out of romantic relationships. There are times when I want to go out to a restaurant or to the movies, but I know I can't afford it. It's easy for me to be tight when I'm on my own, but extremely difficult when I am with my man. He likes lingerie(on me) and other romantic trinquets that I can't afford. I hardly ever wear lingerie, but even if I wanted to as a surprise, I can't afford to do so. His budget is much different than mine and I know he doesn't understand. He was unemployed for a while and still spent money. I am afraid that he is more financially fit than I am and that brings up a lot of insecurity in someone who is usually full of confidence.

I have plenty of friends who don't feel comfortable discussing their salaries, home prices, debt, etc... There is still that attachment to how much you make and spend. I don't think that I've ever cared about how much money someone is making, including me. It doesn't change the person you are. I am interested in salaries because it helps me gage viable career options. Other than that, I don't care because it doesn't have anything to do with me. I don't care about their money, but I am reluctant to ask for help with mine. It has to be a real emergency for me to ask. I don't even ask my family for money. If they give it to me...great, but I don't ask.

I haven't been involved with too many men and of that select few, none have ever volunteered to give me money. I have only had two men give me money in my adult life and they are both considered family. I never asked because I never wanted to feel indebted to a man. I know women who've had plenty of cash gifts, trips, jewels and you name it, but I always felt a moral obligation to be completely self sufficient. I wouldn't ask for help unless my life depended on it. I am officially broke, but I haven't lost my fierce independence. I still have that a lot of that "i am an island" mentality when it comes to men. Maybe that's because I haven't met that "I'll do anything for you without you saying it, but because I love you unconditionally" man yet. I guess that would be my husband. I'll let you know when he is revealed to me:)

Don't Let Banks Win

I am a self proclaimed Independent City Girl. This has different meanings for different people, but to me it just means that I know how to get things done in an expedited way. Isn't there a saying that goes something like, "Necessity is the mother of invention?" This couldn't be more true and it translates across all lines. I have had to invent ways to deal with situations and had to do so independently out of necessity.

It is frustrating to have to wait for someone to do something for you, especially when you know it could be done faster. Often times, I find that I can do it faster. Just as I have a problem with waiting, I have a problem when people are unresponsive. What happened to follow-up or follow-through? I am a superb account manager. I keep a head full of to-dos and I know the importance of follow-up. So, after I complain enough or realize that there is no point of complaining, I just get the job done.

While I can do many tasks myself, there are some areas that I would rather leave to the professionals. One of these areas is LAW. I have seen the scene stealers on TV who decide to take matters into their own hands and represent themselves in a court of law for one reason or another. In some movies, all's well that ends well, but in others it can end horribly. I didn't go to law school because I had no desire to be a lawyer and that still rings true...for the most part. Every now and again, I watch an episode of Law and Order or see a rerun of the People's Court and feel like I could go to with Judge Wapner. Unfortunately, I have a case right now that may require me to spend some quality time in a law library. I have a consumer case that I cannot find a consumer lawyer to handle. Let me clarify that, I cannot find a pro-bono lawyer for this case.

What do you do when a corporate entity has wronged you, you can prove it, it could be class action, but you cannot find representation? BECOME YOUR OWN ADVOCATE. That's what I am being forced to do. My bank, Chase Bank N.A., was wrongly directed to place a levy on my account. I was charged legal fees for this levy. The levy was lifted just 2 days later at the request of the original party due to their error and inquiry by some politicians. I was not credited for the legal fees and Chase refuses to address the issue. Yes, I could take it to small claims court, but that ain't enough. Chase could have done the right thing in the beginning, but they have chosen not to. You see, it's easy to point fingers and label people as gold diggers when they sue for large amounts of money, but until you've experienced the emotional distress, you can't talk. This is a lesson that I have learned firsthand. So, it looks like I have some reading to do. If there's anyone with legal suggestions about the road ahead, please chime in. This is going to be a long, bumpy ride!

My Boyfriend, My Bestie

I've heard that saying, "A good man is hard to find" hundreds of times over the years, but I've never subscribed to it. Despite the fact that I only had 1 boyfriend until I was 29 and found a second, I didn't believe that it was hard to find a good man. My thought pattern (along with a lot of faith) has brought me to the conclusion that we get what we need when we need it and the right man will make himself known at the right time. I also believe that often times women are presented with good men, but they don't want them. We say we want a good man, but we don't. I don't even think that we always know what a good man is and if we do, we are afraid to let him in.
This is not an easy revelation, but it is a truth. I have flirted with this fact and been able to spot it in others, but never applied it to myself. When asked about men and my relationships, I always give some sort of textbook response or just avoid the issue altogether. Somehow, it got into my psyche that saying you want or need a man is a sign of weakness and so I adopted the "I can do bad all by myself" attitude. (No disrespect to Tyler Perry, but this is one of the oldest cliches in the book.) My respect for men has never diminished, but other than my late father, I had never encountered a man who had anything to offer. There were some stop gaps here and there, but no one who was willing to jump in with both feet and make the commitment...until 6 years ago. It was actually 7 years ago when I met my current boyfriend and it was something special. I was totally unsuspecting and caught off guard by this chance meeting, but I just pushed my feelings to the side.
Save all the details and fast forward 7 years to present day. Despite some normal ups and downs and the constant strain of a long distance relationship, we have continued to make our relationship work. That is a testament to the commitment that we both share. I met my first best friend when I was in the second grade. She was my only best friend until now. My boyfriend has become my best friend. It didn't happen overnight, but little by little, piece by piece, my heart opened up and I realized just how good it feels to have a partner. I also realized that I can be independent and still a part of a relationship. Face it...you can't deny love, support, and everything else that a relationship brings into your life. It gives me a stronger sense of self and security. No, it's not always perfect, but sometimes it does feel just like heaven. I'm glad that I have this man in my life. He is definitely my "bestie!"